having trouble sleeping

Long time no see

Mandy — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 17:51:44 +0000

I haven’t written anything here since September…

Reason? I have fallen in love with a man, who’s amazing.

Details? Here!

Small small steps in the right direction

Mandy — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 19:47:11 +0000

I have not been posting in a while and the reason is quite simple. I am busy so I have little time to think about my lame spoilt girl issues. One of the things one should do after a break up, is try to shine. I mean that one have to move on, and in order to do that, one have to feel fine. In my great post break up list, I have already mentionned that I think it is quite important to do the best with what you have got, for example start training, get some new clothes, start taking better care of oneself. As a girl, I am not prouvd of it, but I have to admitt that I also find a slitly satisfaction in buying new clothes. Yesterday was my payday, so I ordered some really nice clothes. And guess what, they arrived today

Prince Charming

Mandy — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 10:59:57 +0000

Yesterday, Boy accused me of still dreaming of my prince charming who would come and save me. I think he has missed a few chapters. After my first serious relationship did not work out and I was served all the cliches on a plate (the boy I was dating pulled out the “it is not you, it is me” and told me he wanted a highly advanced relationship where the couple did not though each other at all), I do not believe any more. My expectations with boy were therefore quite limited. I do no longer dream of perfection because I know that perfect does not exist. All I wanted was a guy who was nice and had a minimum of good maners. I do not find this too demanding, just a minimum of maners. Moreover, I am a independant woman who does not need anybody to come and save me.

So to all the guysout there who still think women dream of prince charming, do not worry, we have no longer any illusions. However, we still hope we can find someone who can love us for the person we are. Is that really so bad?

Letting things out

Mandy — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 21:54:58 +0000

I just phoned boy to find out how he was doing. I think it was a moment of weakness as I have been thinking of him a lot lately. The conversation began just as any other phone conversation. But when he told me that we had “to leave me” (in my language you often end a phone conversation like that), I just started to cry. I said something like “yeah, do that” and he understood the sarcasm in my voice. Then, I told him how I feel about everything. I asked him, if he had taken me for a fool all the time as he never called and I always was the one who went and visited him. I confronted him with him breaking up with me over the phone while I was calling, ending a two year relationship because he did not have the courage to do it face to face.

I know this was not the most intelligent thing to do, but MAN it felt great to finally let it out.

Going to a better place

Mandy — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 09:35:44 +0000

Tomorrow, I am going to Israel/Palestine for a week. At the moment, my mother works there and that is why my sister and I are going to pay her a visit in the promising land. My friends thinks I am crazy, but I have a pretty dark sense of humour so I like to joke about this. I like to say that if I am not online in a week I am probably in a better place. Most likely blown up. Anyway, two days ago, boy saw that I had a joke like that on my msn nick and he kind of freaked out. I know that is childish, but it is slightly satisfying. Anyway, I am going to blog about my stay on theironwall and just in case, if you haven’t heard from me in about a week, somebody might have blown me away

This is a dog’s world (but it would be nothing without a policeman)

Mandy — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 22:42:29 +0000

The 4th of this month, a case was up for the supreme court in Norway. During the arrestion of a man, he attacked and kicked a policedog. The question was weather the dog could be considered as a unit with the policeman as they were on duty. If so was the case, the man who kicked the policedog would be judged as if he had attacked the policeman. Unlike the previous courts, the supreme court came to the statement that dog and man acted together like one. As a law student, I know it is a bit nerdy, but I really cannot wait for the judgement to come out on print. It is going to be GREAT

Just watch the way I am getting over the break up by losing myself in work And the best part, I am actually enjoying it.

The porn generation

Mandy — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 13:26:49 +0000

The author of one of the blogs I read, seems deeply upset about a phenomene Arte, which is a French television station, made a documentary about some weeks ago. Just for the record, the blog is written in French, and just to clear things up, I am not French, I only speak and understand the language. The phenomene is described as The Porn Generation and is basicly about the influence porn may have on young people’s sex life. As porn has got more accesible to the masses on the Internet, the documentary shows that the porn generation will tend to reproduce what they see in porn on the behalf of sexual pleasure. The journalists interviewed especially one girl at my age who apparently consuming the opposite sex. She explains that she meets boys, then sleep with them and move on to the next. The is not exactly dating involved. Just good old fashionable f***ing. Later on, the same girl went out and explained that what she was saying was taken completely out of proportions and that she was told to exaggerate.

Since the girl and I am practically at the same age, I should by definition belong to this Porn Generation and I therefore feel that I have some explaining to do. I think she has a point when she says that today, men are not the only ones who are screwing around. In fact, the differences between the sexes when it comes to sex, dating, hurting people, are shrinking. I think the social bonds which say that the male is the hunter and the female is supposed to be the one he hunts down, still are there, but they are being pushed. This is not necessarily a bad thing.

Now, when it comes to the part where we, the porn generation, is supposed to imitate what we see in porn films and not really care about sexual pleasure, my experience is that, yes, we tend to try out things we see in these movies. But, and this is quite important, that does not mean we are not searching pleasure. Personally, my first sexual fantasies were based on what I had read in crime literature by Ken Follet. To me, it seems quite obvious that later on, I wanted to reproduce these fantasies. Let’s imagine a person whose first sexual fantasy was based on something he or she had seen in a porn film. You cannot deny that because of the accessibility, it may be more likely that young people today find their sexual material on the Internet than at the library. It seems pretty clear to me that that person would try some things he or she had seen on the screen out in real life.

Just to draw a parallel to my own experience, I think Boy was like that. He sometimes used to slap my butt. Yes, this may sound a bit weird, but once when we were fooling around on his bed, he slap my butt. Ever since, he has continued doing that. Not too often and not hard, but still. When I asked him if he did this because he had seen it in a porn film, he told me that the answer to that question was obvious. When I asked one of my friends why boys sometimes do that, he told me that “we want the reaction like the hot blond porn star”. I guess boys will be boys…

Just to make things clear, this does not mean that Boy and I had hardcore S/M sex. Quite the opposite actually. Nor does this mean that members of The Porn Generation constantly are imitating porn without having any pleasure. What it means that some of our fantasies that we try out in bed MAY be based on porn. Is this chocking? I think not. At the same time, it is not sure that walking around on this earth for 19 years qualifies my judgement

Just to make things clear

Mandy — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 11:08:08 +0000

I am beginning to wonder if I should be thankful that Boy dumped me. I am beginning to believe that I deserve more. Boy lived at his parents (this does not necessarily mean that he is a loser, but it is one of the things I would like to change about him). He does not have a part time job so he is completely dependant on his folks. This also means that I was the one who always called, since I work at the same time as I study and earn my own money. I even was the one who called when hebroke up with me. He does not know what he wants to do with his life. If it was up to him, he would sit in his room and play computer games all day in his underwear. I had to drag him out so we would do other things. It was pretty much I that took the initiative to sex. It does not bother me, but when he can go three days without wanting to do it, I cannot help but getting insecure. Did I mention that he did not give me a birthday gift this year? He gave me a birthday and x-mast gift which was a meal he made himself with the great help of his father. Man… I really should have seen the break-up coming. How could I be so stupid? Despite all this, I still love him. It is not a reasonable thing to do, but I do not really control it either.

Trouble in Paradise

Mandy — Fri, 30 May 2008 12:45:36 +0000

Boy is dropping out of college. Maybe. Two days ago, it had gone a month since the break up and I could speak with him again. I send him a message to tell him that I had just discovered that a horror/gore manga he is reading (Uzumaki) also is a movie. I read it and thought of him, no big deal. Anyway, we started talking and he told me that he is trying to get into an art school. Now he is attending a business school and it is no secret that his family kind of pushed him into that. I really hope he gets in. Boy has issues. He feels like he does not belong anywhere because of stuff that happened in his childhood. I cannot help him with this, especially because I am not living near him. Should I be more supportive? I think I should not overdo it, but just tell him that if he needs help, he can always count on me.

High School Rumble

Mandy — Thu, 29 May 2008 06:46:19 +0000

I am member of a cinema club and this month they have had the theme american high school movies. I am not talking about the American Pie movies and other 90s movies, but the first ones in the 80s. Anyway, a line from The Breakfast Club and Ally Sheedys really hit me:

“When you grow up, your heart dies”

The soundtrack should be Under the Bridge by the redhot. The line is pretty obvious. As we grow up, we get dumped, we get hurt and we stop trusting people we love. I am just going to stop explaining how I see the statement because I will just ruin it.